My cousin died last weekend (see news story here) but I’m not after your sympathy, I can pass that on to his wife and 3 young children, his mum and his siblings, his nephews and nieces. And his hundreds of close friends.
He was hugely popular and the nature and volume of the tributes got me thinking about my dad. They were both such upbeat, happy people, always kind and always a love for life (and rugby!). They must have been related 😉
At least when my dad died, he’d been seriously ill for about 6 weeks so we were preparing for the worst as well as hoping for the best. My cousin died suddenly, such a shock to his loved ones.
At least when my dad died, we were able to tell him we loved him and were proud of him when he was conscious, and we were with him as he took his final breath.
How hard it must be for my cousin’s family to recount their last conversations and cwtches with him without realising that it was their last. (My final memory of him is him cwtching baby S at a family get-together while his adoring nephews surrounded him and were all looking up to him – lovely memory)
Death and grief get you thinking, as well as being consumed with sadness for the close family he left behind, I’m also left soul searching… wanting to be the better person like they were, wanting to live every moment and day like it’s my last, wanting to make an impact in a community.
But it’s hard. I want to see more of my friends and to make new friends. I want to make new memories all the time. But I’m exhausted from the never-ending sleep deprivation. I want to be always happy and kind like they were, but instead achieve being miserable and bitchy at times. I realise how whiny I sound writing this, like I’m trying to make it all about me, but I’m not. They just inspired me so much.
I want to leave a legacy like they did, leave an impact, but instead I keep this stupid blog. How petty it seems right now, draft posts waiting to be published that just seem so pointless now. Why don’t I spend those couple of hours a week in my real life instead of this online world with people I’ve mostly never met?! Or even worse… I spend so much time scrolling through Facebook, why not come off it and spend that time living in real life instead?!
I’ll get there. At the moment I feel like all I am is a mum but eventually I will be me again. They both went through this fog of parenting babies and toddlers after all!
And now they are reunited, uncle and nephew, both legends, both taken from us way, way too soon. If I can’t be a better person, at least let me aim to spend time with the people in my life who are.
Last weekend proved to me how precious life really is. Every time you walk out of your door, it could be for the last time. So hold your nearest and dearest tight. Never have regrets.